Grrlfriend (grrlfriend) wrote,

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Here goes...

My first journal entry! I'm really feeling shy about this, but I am also proud of myself. I had a long talk with my boyfriend, and told him I was really having a lot of sexual thoughts about women. Before we got together, I had sex with a woman for the first time, and I had kissed several others. Something about the love and freedom he offers me makes me feel very unafraid of telling him the truth about what's going on in my head. He's extremely encouraging about me doing what it right for me, and it's not because it turns him on or he wants to be involved either. He's actually quite old fashioned and monogamous. I'm happier than I've ever been with any man, and I feel very certain we will marry. I also am grateful he is so understanding about my need to explore this major aspect of myself.

I've known I'm into girls (and boys) all of my life. I was always the one initiating the games as a little kid. I fooled around with girls until middle school, and then everybody sort of started defining their boundaries, and being gay was not acceptable (especially in a Catholic school) so I and even the girls I messed around with chalked it all up to childhood experimentation and closed that off.

Went off to college and started dating guys, and that hasn't stopped since. I have been married and divorced as well (a long sad story). When my marriage fell through, it was a lot like having a carefully erected house of cards collapse on top of me. It had never been as stable as I'd thought, but I'd certainly spent a lot of time and concentration trying to build it. I sputtered my way out and decided to stop defining myself by the structures around me (religion, marriage) and to go back, if you will, and find out who I am.

At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I am with a wonderful, monogamous man, and I've never been non-monogamous. I have a couple of female friends who have my attention, and certainly I find a lot of beautiful souls here on lj... don't know if I am going to end up kissing, making out, having sex, or having an ongoing fling. I don't know if I will explore this until I get married, and then be satisfied, or if this will be an active part of my life for the rest of my days. I do know that, now that he and I have discussed it, I am pretty damn excited to find out.
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