[Most Recent Entries]
Below are the 16 most recent journal entries recorded in
|Tuesday, November 11th, 2003|
Haven't posted here in a long time. I'm alive. I placed an online personal ad to meet women, in order to make sure my life situation is understood well before they could feel they have wasted their time. I've met a few neat ladies, one in particular whom I have kissed (*swoon*) and whom I am seeing again tomorrow night. I am so excited and nervous. She seems to be as beautiful inside as outside, and I am really turned on by the thought of kissing her again.
|Sunday, October 19th, 2003|
|Saturday, October 18th, 2003|
|In the mood to type.
Last night I went out to one of the popular gay bars with a couple of friends. Fer cryin' out loud. Barely any of those women looked approachably bi. Myself included, now that I think of it. It's scary, the idea of approaching someone AT AT GAY BAR and perhaps being glared at by her BOYFRIEND.
So I don't. I didn't really talk to anyone. I am so new. I have so much to learn.( Mildly graphic.Collapse ) Current Mood: distracted
|Sunday, October 12th, 2003|
|Cross posted to Bi-Girls
Today I am going to be hanging out with an "out" friend of mine, and she's going to show me around the scene a bit. I am so excited to meet her friends - they sound like kick-ass chicks. (Am I allowed to say chicks?)
Discussion: What do YOU prefer to be called? Out? Bi? Dyke? Queer? Gay? Lesbian? This seems to be extremely varied in response. Wondering what is "safe". Perhaps nothing. Which is ok, because I don't ordinarily have to call anybody anything... but I am still curious where people stand on this. Current Mood: curious
|Saturday, October 11th, 2003|
|You'd better believe this is cross-posted.
Um, ok. Why do gals in their late teens or early 20's email me out of nowhere, or tell me to email them, or add me to their friend's list and then turn around and act strange when they realize I'm 31? I didn't approach them, for crying out loud, so you'd think they'd read my profile before emailing me or what have you, and not try to make me feel like some old letch when I respond (and only with small talk, may I add, because *I* took the time to read up and am suspicious why this wee bairn is pursuing ME!).
HELLO! I'M 31!!!! AND I'M NOT LOOKING TO BE SOMEBODY'S BUTCH DADDY! I'M FEMME, REMEMBER? AND THERE'S A REASON I'M IN "IKISSWOMEN" AND NOT "IKISS GIRLS"!
Ok, now that that's out of my system... friends
- of any age - are fine with me. Current Mood: grossed out
|Sunday, October 5th, 2003|
|I can't believe this is my life.
Wow. Um, horny, anyone?
Yea. I am a bit looped up on Merlot. Just got back from hanging out with one of the hottest women I've ever met, and she
asked if she could kiss me
And last night it happened too.
I have kissed two girls in two nights. Major fantasy material. I am happy. Current Mood: horny
|Friday, September 26th, 2003|
I hate to admit it, but I'm starting to think I'm not so much bi as I just really like boobs. *laughing to herself* Ok, and pretty faces. And torsos. Um, I dunno. I mean, I never find myself fantasizing about much below the waist. Goofy! I have
found myself interested in the nether regions once I get past the boobs but, pretty much, from here I just want the boobs. Not all
boobs, mind you. And certainly not boobs that are off limits. All the planets have to be aligned properly. Not all women (even beautiful ones) attract me. It's more of an attitude, something flirtatious in her vibe that makes me do a double-take. But when it does happen, I suddenly find I'm having a hard time keeping eye contact.
*giggles* What a pig! I feel so Beevis and Butthead admitting that. Good thing I'm self amusing. Current Mood: silly
|Tuesday, September 16th, 2003|
Wow. Kind of scary few days.
Yesterday my boyfriend and I were looking at apartments, and we were very nearly suckered into committing to a year-long lease at kind of a seedy place. The places are huge and cheap, but there were a lot of things that set off warning bells and I was arguing with them all day. I thought I'd shut up the fears until, late last night, a friend said it seemed too good to be true (which I resented at first). I laid awake freaking out and was very grumpy and freaked out on my man. I really sat and thought about all my fears and decided to back out.
I also am requesting that we spend some time apart. We've been together practically every spare moment for the last few months, and I've been getting more and more skittish. I tried to blame it all on fear of being hurt or old wounds or what have you, and it still won't go away.
I have a sincere belief that this is The One. For that reason, I am determined to run it through every test, including time apart. I feel relieved and happier with him already. Current Mood: whirlwinded
|Sunday, September 14th, 2003|
|Saturday, September 13th, 2003|
Met a very dear lady tonight. I feel certain that I have a new friend. The kind you can talk to every day, or not see for a year, and feel the same comfort level with. I love that! I don't forsee an actual romantic or sexual thing happening, but fortunately she seems very accepting of that. I got a bit nervous on and off throughout the evening when I felt the vibe getting toward that, but we discussed it and it was okay. I guess I might need a bit more of a line there to keep me from getting nervous in the future, and make me feel safe to connect more deeply with her. And believe me, there's no end to her soul's depth.
It's actually all got me thinking... maybe when it comes down to it, I won't be capable of a fling. I don't tend to like superficial people, and the kinds of folks I meet who totally separate sex from emotions sort of twist my gut. That's a turn off. But with the beautiful souls I am drawn to, the reality that this is a human being with real emotions and a genuine heart comes up and I just don't want to f*ck with that. It's too precious to me. So I connect enough to be comfortable with the idea of being intimate in theory, but then I don't have the ability to detach enough to do it.. This has happened to me a lot. Apparently fantasies are most convenient. Who knows.
Thank you for being incredible. Current Mood: touched
|Thursday, September 11th, 2003|
|Last Night at the Rose
I've been thinking about my new friends today. I am very excited about you all!
So tired today. I felt queasy this morning so I didn't have any coffee and DAMN I feel it. I fell asleep fully clothed in a well-lit breakroom for 15 minutes. That's practically impossible for me.
I'm not sure I'm really into the gal I hung out with last night. For a liberal bi girl, she's very southern old fashioned. I found myself having to take initiative for everything we did, and not sure what she wanted. I felt like a guy, and that's not me. It felt odd. Forced. Don't get me wrong... I'm not one to sit back and be somebody's princess. And I certainly like to be considerate to my friends. I'm one of the types to go around and unlock the passenger door before I get in to drive. I just don't want to feel like it's expected. I am more inclined to hang out with another strong, lively woman who are on equal turf with me. Current Mood: introspective
Changed my profile. A bit more comprehensive now.
I am very horny right now. I wish I had some boobs to play with (other than my own I mean). Current Mood: horny
I walked out into the world with a different attitude today. Like "hello, I'm bi" - finally. I was struck teary with all the sweet comments left to me t make me feel welcomed. So touched. I have been more nervous than I expected. I feel so 12 around pretty girls. Which is funny because I'm a take charge type with guys.
So I met one of the girls I like for drinks at the Wild Rose tonight. Sang karaoke, had one delicious lemon drop, and enjoyed the beautiful scenery. There are so many kinds of women in this bar... all of them have their own beauty, their own delicious edge.
I finally worked up the courage to let this friend know what was up. Last time I saw her, I was sure she was hitting on me, but too nervous to do anything about it. I was afraid SHE felt rejected, which is silly... but anyway. I can tell she's thinking about what I have said. I don't know if anything will happen with her, but I am glad to have an understanding friend to go out to girl occasions with.
So... yay. Current Mood: relaxed
|Wednesday, September 10th, 2003|
My first journal entry! I'm really feeling shy about this, but I am also proud of myself. I had a long talk with my boyfriend, and told him I was really having a lot of sexual thoughts about women. Before we got together, I had sex with a woman for the first time, and I had kissed several others. Something about the love and freedom he offers me makes me feel very unafraid of telling him the truth about what's going on in my head. He's extremely encouraging about me doing what it right for me, and it's not because it turns him on or he wants to be involved either. He's actually quite old fashioned and monogamous. I'm happier than I've ever been with any man, and I feel very certain we will marry. I also am grateful he is so understanding about my need to explore this major aspect of myself.
I've known I'm into girls (and boys) all of my life. I was always the one initiating the games as a little kid. I fooled around with girls until middle school, and then everybody sort of started defining their boundaries, and being gay was not acceptable (especially in a Catholic school) so I and even the girls I messed around with chalked it all up to childhood experimentation and closed that off.
Went off to college and started dating guys, and that hasn't stopped since. I have been married and divorced as well (a long sad story). When my marriage fell through, it was a lot like having a carefully erected house of cards collapse on top of me. It had never been as stable as I'd thought, but I'd certainly spent a lot of time and concentration trying to build it. I sputtered my way out and decided to stop defining myself by the structures around me (religion, marriage) and to go back, if you will, and find out who I am.
At this point, I'm not sure what's going to happen. I am with a wonderful, monogamous man, and I've never been non-monogamous. I have a couple of female friends who have my attention, and certainly I find a lot of beautiful souls here on lj... don't know if I am going to end up kissing, making out, having sex, or having an ongoing fling. I don't know if I will explore this until I get married, and then be satisfied, or if this will be an active part of my life for the rest of my days. I do know that, now that he and I have discussed it, I am pretty damn excited to find out. Current Mood: real